If you know anything about me, you know I have been a mom for 19 years. It’s the one job I have had the longest, it’s the one job I have had loved most, it is the one job I have most failed at. In those fails I have learned so much. My girls are all almost 10 years apart. This was not planned. It was just what happened. My girls ended up being each only children. 19 years of parenting  has taught me so much. Here are my pros and cons of my almost 20 years of parenting.

Hannah 19 years ago:

Holy cow I had no clue what I was doing.. like ever!!! Being so young and Hannah was my first child I had no idea how to be a mom. I did fail all the time.. with her I feel like I am still failing. With Hannah I knew I loved her more than anything. She is my first love. She has been my longest relationship. No man has been in my life longer. Even though I had no clue what I was doing, I loved Hannah more than anything. I literally would anything for her. I had a ton of energy also19 years ago I spent hours playing with her. I was a broke single mom so all I could afford was taking her to the playground. I tried to distract her from being broke by giving her the master bedroom, letting her eat and not eating my self and getting relatives to pay for anything she wanted from everything from toys to sports activities. She was spoiled because I felt guilty for not being able to give her the best life. I lacked dreams and purpose as a woman and I kept that from her but I kept fighting for it.

Madison 9 years ago:

When Hannah was 10 I gave birth to Madison. Madison definitely had a much more knowledgeable mom. I wasn’t perfect but I did figure out balance. I learned how to not to give in to Madison. She grew up with a mother who was finding out her dreams and passions could become a reality. I was a take charge mom. I was able to create a magical way of life for my children. But this magic came with a price. I missed a lot of really special times with my kids. While being on film sets I missed birthdays, while organizing parties I missed special games and performances and while trying to make a new life in Southern California for my girls I missed months. It was very hard to live my dreams and balance being a mother. Sometimes I had to miss out to have a career. This broke my heart. I always felt guilty I was gone. I tried to show my girls their mom was magical and a super hero so when I missed anything I lavished them with gifts and trips. This was a hard time but I knew my hard work was resulting in a great life. I was showing my girls they could dream big, work hard and could accomplish anything.

 

Amelia present!

Almost 3 weeks ago I gave birth to my third girl Amelia. Even though I am just short  3 weeks of being a mom of 3 girls all almost 10 years apart I believe in showing my girls motivation and hard work pay off. I am now most comfortable in life I have ever been,  living in Southern California living and loving a balance of being a mom, wife and also career driven as well. I feel being a mother for almost 20 years. I can show my girls just how much goodness there can be in hard work. I am now a grown up woman. I feel like I finally know who I am. I know who I am as a mother, wife and a woman. I want to teach my girls to stay true, work hard and stay humble. I am a big dreamer but also a big doer. I have changed my dream to take on a family and now today I feel confident in who I am. I still make many mistakes, I still am loud, I still am silly and I believe I always will be. I’ve been doing this mom thing for almost 20 years and I still haven’t gotten it all down. I take pride in not knowing not one other mom has got it down either. (I wish I would have gotten this sooner.) There is no perfect mom. First year mom or 40 plus year mom.. we all make mistakes. With all of this clarity does come with a price. I AM SO TIRED. I move a lot slower and find it hard to move between work, kids, passions and work responsibilities. So I have learned to be smarter about my actions. I have learned not to take my self so seriously and I have learned not to indulge in negative people or activities. I look back on past me mom in awe and hope future mom me will make us proud. Each year I get better, each kid I know more and each decade I become a better version of my self.

As a mom my only hope is to make my girls proud of me. I hope they always know I will always be here for them and that I love them with all my heart.